Just a realization (a.k.a. oh, I'm reminded yet again that...)

I am such an awkward being.

Grey matters

Off-white shirt (yes, I'm emphasizing that oh-so-cute cat), green shirt, light grey cardigan, grey sweater, grey pants, black skull bag (I'm not into shiny stuff but, well, it's a skull! Plus it's not very girly so YAY)

Grey merchandise (and a little bit of green, off white, and black) at the 11th World Bazaar Festival, World Trade Center. Yes folks (favorite words of the announcer), I now have a few new things to wear.

And yes, grey is one of my ultimate favorites.

. . .

I don't buy a lot of clothes/shop a lot during the year. It's only during this December bazaar that I shell out money pretty easily for clothes. I'm a bit of a cheapskate, you see, and I'd rather buy books or film rolls. The only time I'll be buying (and spending) this much is on this yearly bazaar haha. Can't wait for next year's!

. . .

I was on-duty at my aunt's booth for four days per week during the event. The songs that were continuously played are still stuck in my head. Makes me crazeeeh.

Whatcha watchin'?

I've been watching a lot of (great!) movies and anime/tv series lately (lately being at least more than a year). I just thought I might share them here:


Chuck
My all-time favorite series which is still on air but, sadly, on its last season. I would watch as many episodes as I can daily, forcing my eyes open until I can't take it anymore haha. Oh how I would miss this when it's finally gone.

One Piece
Whole-day marathons as well. Now one of my two most favorite animes! Still on air, already on its 528th episode this week. I used to read the manga while waiting for the next episode to be available for download, but now I'm too lazy to do that.

Studio Ghibli films
I've been seeing a lot of Totoro stuff on Tumblr, and I finally downloaded the movie. I loved it and discovered other Studio Ghibli creations. Naturally, I downloaded 'em as well. This was around the middle of this year. I have now watched ten SG movies! (Note to self: download more) Their stories are unique and very entertaining, characters are so easy to like. Most of the leads are female, which is also nice. I AM IN LOVE.

Walking Dead
A series which only had six episodes on their first season. BUT, those episodes are very satisfying. I can't wait for more zombiessss, or walkers, as they call it in the show. I'm not sure if season 2 is already up haha

Rurouni Kenshin
I first watched the series on Studio 23 back in high school. THIS IS MY FAVORITE ANIME, EVER. (Well, OP and Ruroken kind of share the spot now.) I don't know why, I just do. Also this year, I read the manga version, and boy, I sure am glad I did. I thought the series seem a bit too short, and it is. Only ninety-five episodes, while the manga has 200+ chapters. I would read 'til sunrise daily. Seriously. I am now downloading episodes 11-20.

Makoto Shinkai movies
I'm not sure how many movies there are, but I currently have two. According to an ad I saw on Facebook, Shinkai is dubbed as the next Hayao Miyazaki (of Studio Ghibli!!!), so I downloaded the two, immediately. How were they? Well, the plot's nice. I just think the pace is a little bit too slow. I am also not a big fan of lengthy monologues, which basically comprises his movies. (Why do the Japanese like too many lengthy monologues??) I was expecting films similar to those of SG, so I was a bit disappointed. I'm still on the lookout for good stuff from Shinkai, though.


There you go. :) What have you been watching this year?



P.S. Thanks to B for not listening to me when I told her not to watch Chuck, for making me love One Piece (which I didn't like when I watched it on TV), and for introducing me to Walking Dead. :)

It's nice to be inspired once in a while by, say, something you read over the internet. Especially when it brushes your own reality. One thing I lack though, and sadly, the most important thing, is the motivation to act on that inspiration.

...

I have a few things to blog about and another handful of drafts I have no idea if I'll ever get to finish (or, more appropriately, start).

Sometimes I wish time would just stop, or I could vanish, be invisible, anything to make things stop, make mouths shut up, make things frozen in place.

Sometimes I wish I could be somebody else, be some place besides where I am now, doing and being able to do some other things.

Sometimes I wish I would be in a state where I won't be wishing such things.

More words

So I joined OneWord two days ago. This is how it works:

simple. you’ll see one word at the top of the following screen.
you have sixty seconds to write about it.
click ‘go’ and the page will load with the cursor in place.
don’t think. just write.

Should this be a daily thing? I'm naturally a nervous wreck and the time limit doesn't help haha. In fact, I was too nervous to submit an entry yesterday (the word was slouch). I tend to think too much before I type, and I don't want to be cheating -- don't think. just write. -- so I passed. Maybe on days that I don't like the words, I could come up with my own prompt so I can still produce something. Yeah, I think that'll work.

I tried (struggled) to write more during the first few weeks of this blog and I came up with some, luckily. Hopefully, oneword will help me make this a regular thing.

The word for today's stable. And no, I won't post my entry here. I'm too shy. However, you can head over here if you are so inclined to see it. So maybe I'm not too shy after all. Heh.

On a totally unrelated note, I have a few post drafts that I'm too lazy to edit/write up. But mostly it's because sometimes, I think too much if something's worth posting. I really shouldn't care (no one's reading this anyway). This is my blog, and I should be spontaneous, or at least I want to be. And besides, this isn't a niche blog so everything goes. Sometimes, I just want to stop my brain from over-processing. I am such an over-thinker.

Move, Eat, Learn

3 guys, 44 days, 11 countries, 18 flights, 38 thousand miles, an exploding volcano, 2 cameras and almost a terabyte of footage… all to turn 3 ambitious linear concepts based on movement, learning and food ….into 3 beautiful and hopefully compelling short films…..


= a trip of a lifetime.


move, eat, learn


Rick Mereki : Director, producer, additional camera and editing
Tim White : DOP, producer, primary editing, sound
Andrew Lees : Actor, mover, groover


-Rick Mereki on Vimeo

First saw and blogged about this series (on a previous blog) on August. Oh, what I wouldn't give to experience this for a whole year (all expense paid, of course!). 44 days just seem too short. On second thought, it might be a motivation to actually get out there and explore, make the most out of your short time in a particular place.

This is sooo good.

On having multiple copies of books

If I remember correctly, I bought my copy of To Kill a Mockingbird during college. I loved the story and it became an instant fave, alongside my all-time favorite The Book Thief.

I never bought the same book twice; I'm not one of those people who collected different editions of their favorite books. I'd rather buy other titles, but that may change soon. How can you resist a cover like this?

I don't know if there's a hardback or trade paperback version of this, the only one available in a local bookstore is mass market paperback. That's actually better on my end, since it will be a lot cheaper thus, less guilt on shelling out money on a book I already have. But oh, I've always liked trade paperbacks (I prefer the size--not too large, and not too small & bulky), though most of my books are mass market versions haha. I must have this.

This one's a trade PB, but it's twice the price and though it's also pretty, I like the first one more. Plus, I will limit myself to just one extra copy. Though if I find a mass market one, I might be tempted to buy both. Yikes.

Naturally, I'd want another copy of The Book Thief. There's one other cover design that I know of, but I haven't seen it in any local bookstores. It might just be available in certain countries. I'm a bit tempted to purchase a hardcover version. That's justifiable, right? It's my favorite book! Having an extra copy of it is totally out of the question.

I will have these. Maybe next year, yes? Will this be the start of another addiction? I should hope not.

ETA: I obtained a secondhand copy of Coraline as mentioned in this post. As it is one of my favorites (book and movie, alike), I can't help but lust over the movie collector's edition and the one with the movie-version cover. 

Aaand, Scout, Atticus, & Boo: A Celebration of to Kill a Mockingbird. I didn't mention this in the original post, but I think I would like this one, too. Gaaah. This is not good.

(un)happy endings

It's weird how sometimes, things just pop in your head. But these moments often lead to good, usually creative, ideas, right? Well, I had an idea.

The image of The Little Match Girl suddenly flashed through my mind. You know that sudden thoughts that sometimes make no sense or just come out of nowhere? I immediately confirmed with my sister the manner of death of the girl, and it's one sad way to go. Isn't the story a fairytale? If it was, then it should have had a happy ending, right? Maybe it wasn't. That was probably the saddest story I have ever read during my younger years.

The idea I had was continuing the story, or somehow altering something about the story. I don't know why but, however sad it was (it's friggin' heartbreaking, dammit), it is actually good...I think. I know I used to have the book, but I rarely still have the things I owned from childhood. So, I would definitely hunt for a copy; if I would work on the idea, I first have to reacquaint myself with the whole story. I don't remember much, other than she sells on the street and strikes a match to warm herself. Then she eventually dies. Hah.

The only problem though, is I have no idea what I would do with the story. I'm not sure if I want it to have a happy ending, maybe change her death to be less sad and alone? Or her story could be my inspiration in making my own Match Girl. I don't know. We'll see.

I talk as if I'm any good at making (mending?) stories, but I'm not. It's just an idea, and I do hope I can think of something and get to it! That would be nice :)

Food blogs and other things

1. Gone are the days of clean desktops and huge free memory
2. I have this constant struggle of limiting myself to two cups (mugs, actually) of coffee a day
3. Coffee candies doesn't do the trick, however yummy they may be. It actually makes me want to grab another mug
4. Looking at food blogs at night is a very, very, very bad idea. I do it, still. And speaking of food blogs, these three are my current favorites:

• Food Porn -- I've been following Food Porn for a long time. It never fails to make my mouth water. Ever.
• Grilled Cheese Social -- Been looking through Blogs of Note last night, and discovered this. I love cheese, though I'm only familiar (taste-wise) with a handful. I love how doable these recipes are and how you can substitute ingredients for what's readily available. I tried this this afternoon and though I used pandesal and lack herbs, it was delish!
• Breakfast -- Found this just now through Food Porn. I was just telling a friend last night how I love breakfast food and ta-dah! Here is a food blog that can leave me dehydrated due to excessive salivating (that's just gross hahaha). It's destiny, I tell you.
• Salad Pride -- I don't visit this blog often, but might as well add it here. For healthier picks, here's one for you. I love salad as well! Tumblr for photos, Blogspot for complete recipes.

Go ahead and browse through these wonderful blogs. It can last you a lifetime. 

Small things to smile about

1. preparing grahams cake at 3am
2. slicing peaches thinly and not cutting yourself
3. small gatherings
4. cute babies/kids
5. homemade food (yum!)
6. stuffing your face without a care in the world
7. the golden hour
8. taking pictures of sunlight seeping through the windows
9. reading and enjoying a never-heard book that you impulsively bought
10. learning something new in Photoshop (heh)

ETA:  11. funny kitty videos on YouTube

Sad eyes never lie

It was December, and as the holidays drew nearer, the crowd grew thicker. I stood alone in a relatively quiet corner of this well-lit park (too bright, if you ask me), hands in my jacket pockets, practically freezing. I was extremely nervous, but more excited to tell you the good news. I would finally be free for a week and we could go anywhere we wanted. Five glorious days of nothing but you and me.

I looked up and saw you walking straight to where I was and I swear I could feel beads of sweat building up my forehead. I willed myself to smile, but alas, I can’t even move my mouth. Was it the cold or my edginess creeping in the surface? I couldn’t tell. Not that smiling mattered; you walked with your head down. That’s new.

By the time you were in front of me, I was virtually speechless. A simple touch can sometimes say more than a flurry of words, I believe. With that in mind and an immense longing to feel your warmth, I immediately reached for your hand, which you unexpectedly and, dare I say, mechanically drew away, as if you’re disgusted by even the thought of us holding hands. Looking up, I frantically searched your face for an explanation. With you still looking at the damp ground and I still at a loss for words, I waited. I think we both did. When you finally looked up though, I wished I knew better to avoid your gaze.

I saw the answer in your eyes.

It was a cold December night, and people poured in from every direction, as if being thrown up by the busy streets. I walked aimlessly through the maze of exuberant adults and children, hands tucked in my pockets, heart frozen.

If your pictures aren't good enough, you are not close enough.

This entry's title are words from Robert Capa. These same words are the ones you'll see on the opening of the documentary film War Photographer. 

  

The film follows the life of photojournalist James Nachtwey on the field. From the first scenes to the very last part of the movie, you will see him in action: camera at hand, photographing away. It shows scenes from several of his assignments, what he does post-assignment, as well as interviews with some of the people he worked with.

I had some questions in my mind while watching the film. A lot of the images shot were those of people grieving about lost homes and lives of their loved ones. It was a bit uncomfortable watching him taking pictures of these people crying and in despair. There were times when he was inches from their faces. Don’t these people feel violated or something?

There was another thing on my mind regarding photojournalists, media people in general. What is their intention? Is it to get stories that would get them up their career ladder? It is for the awards and recognition? Is it pure documentation? For the love of gathering and disseminating information? Isn’t it disturbing to be paid documenting other people’s suffering? Then I thought to myself, doesn’t everybody in any field want even a bit of recognition? It is their livelihood, so naturally they’d get paid. Nachtwey addressed these in the film.

Seeing this movie opened my eyes to the real dangers of such occupation. I find myself asking "How do you do it?" How does one operate with poverty, starvation, chaos, death right in front of you? I really like this film for it addresses this concerns, it answered every question that popped in my head.

I watched this for the fifth time today, I guess. It struck me just the same as the first time. It was just plain powerful, honest, true. I admire you, Mr. Nachtwey. I admire you for your work and for your words. You are one brave, compassionate, determined soul. May you continue to inspire and help people with your photographs.

This is one man who got close enough, don't you think Mr. Capa?

The worst thing is to feel that as a photographer, I am benefiting from someone else’s tragedy. This idea haunts me. It’s something I have to reckon with everyday because I know that if I ever allowed genuine compassion to be overtaken by personal ambition, I would have sold my soul. The only way I could justify my role is to have respect for the other person’s predicament. The extent to which I do that is the extent to which I become accepted by the other. And to that extent, I can accept myself.

###

All images are screenshots from the movie.

Baby it's cold outside

...as well as indoors. It's been raining for a few days now, and I need someone to cuddle with. *cough

A few random thoughts:

I want these. All four. I'm not certain if these will suit me, but it seems to look good on everyone, "everyone" being pictures of people (of varying shapes and sizes) over the interwebs.

 There's a faint blue marking on this canvas backpack that I wanted to cover up. It says "Joyce," which is the name of my aunt, and the original owner of this bag. I literally cannot wait to get my hands on some fabric markers (I'm thinking Stained by Sharpie, which I couldn't find anywhere), so I grabbed some of my water-based pens and hastily drew on it. Must not let this bag get wet.

New books! Coraline crossed out of my to-buy list. Yey! I loved the movie, and I loved the book as well! I think I'll watch the movie again later, yes? I have an e-book of McEwan's, but I never got past the first chapter. I'm still not comfortable with reading novels on a computer screen. I don't think I'll ever be. Real books are just so much more fun! And oh, these are secondhand. I can't remember the last time I bought a brand new book. Don't you just love inexpensive books? :)

Sometimes, I just sit and stare at my books. And I don't even have a lot. I think I own more "okay" books than good ones, not happy about it. Must rethink book choices.

Random post is random. Bye!

Eternal daydreamer

Always dreaming and daydreaming of:

doing something awesome
writing something great
saying something important
making beautiful things
capturing magical moments

For now, I can only dream.

Coffee and some good music

My sister sent me a link to an online contest in line with Nikon's I am Nikon campaign. That video introduced me to Radical Face and their lovely song "Welcome Home." I've been listening to it since last night. It's beautiful.

Watched Cruel Intentions and got reacquainted with this song because of it. I always liked "Colorblind" by Counting Crows and immediately searched my computer if I have it, and I do.

Listening to these two, on repeat.

Birth days and birth mothers

If my mother's still here with us, she would've been 53 years young (heh) today. But she isn't, and she'll remain 40 forever. People always said she was still so young. For the eight-year-old me, 40 was a bit old. But looking at my younger siblings, and how young they (actually, all of us) were, perhaps they're right. Of course they are.

Thirteen years, oh my. I can still recall the day I last saw her breathing: she was sleeping peacefully, albeit a bit noisily. There wouldn't be anything wrong with it, except that she wouldn't wake up. Long story short, she was brought to the hospital and after a few days, my father talked to us, one at a time. Looking back now, I wonder what he told the younger ones. What could he possibly say to a three- and one-year-old?

I always think about how our lives would've been different if she were still here. I know it would be different. For starters, I would probably still be living in our house. (I now live in my grandma's house, as with my older sister.)

She would quite possibly cry when she learns about my winning first place in a quiz bee, or when I graduated high school with honors, or when I got accepted in the country's top university, as she had when I won first place in a spelling bee waaaaaay back. Which is a bit embarrassing actually, especially because she was there, watching.

What would she say when she learns I withdrew from the university? Would she say the same words my father told me? I probably won't even have the chance to entertain the thought of withdrawing. What would she say about my transferring to a college I didn't even like, taking up a course I couldn't care less about? Would she roll her eyes? Scold me? And what would she do, when she learns I didn't graduate on time? And how about when I did graduate, finally?

All these questions, and a whole lot more remains and will always be unanswered.

I feel weird sometimes how when I feel bad about my life and myself, I think about how she can make things different from the way they are. You know, that mothers fix things and makes things better for their children. It's childish and selfish thinking, but totally normal, if you'd ask me. And when good things happen, I would also think of what she would have to say about it.

Thank God for pictures, I can always be reminded of how she looked like. I can't remember much about her, though. How she moves, how she talks, how her touch feels, her habits and mannerisms, if any. Most especially, her voice. That's the saddest part of losing someone, I guess--forgetting.

This is pretty much a messy post, forgive me. I'm just throwing thought after thought without any care about cohesion and all that. I'll just end this with something I wrote for and about her, and mothers in general. B, here it is yet again hahaha--

Do not forget the face of your mother, for she was the one who bore you, all nine months of your pre-natal development.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for she is the one who first held you, with the love you will never get from anyone else, not even a lover.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for each time you get yourself hurt, wounded, and weakened, her pain is ten times more than yours.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for whatever you do or become, rest assured that she will love you no matter what other people say.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for she trusts and believes in you more than anyone else, yourself included.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for when the world turns its back on you, not only will she remain by your side, she will move mountains just so you can experience the world again.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for every time your heart breaks, deep inside she dies.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for even if you give up on yourself, never will she think of giving up on you.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for she will never, ever forget you.

I love you Mama. I will always miss you and think about you. Happy birthday! :)

Pee not

Happy peanuts make me happy.

Unfortunately, I forgot to keep it somewhere safe from predators (i.e., other people haha) when I left the house. Needless to say, it was gone when I got back, which is okay really; it's not mine in the first place :p

I wonder who took this, and if there's any left. Hmm.

Not quite right (yet)

I started reading a book the previous week entitled It's All Right Now by Charles Chadwick. I abandoned it after a few pages, not because I didn't like it (though I thought it to be a bit wordy) but because I'm not in a reading mood, so to speak.

I quite like the phrase: It's all right now. Simple, but can be interpreted in several ways (or so I say). Does it mean "it's okay/fine now," "everything's happening right now," or "everything is how it should be?" Am I even making sense? Haha.

I don't know. I like it to the extent that I'm contemplating whether to rename this blog or not. It sounds more of a tagline though, and doesn't have the slightest possible connection to my current title. Will think of some other way to use this phrase. Plus, it doesn't fit my current state, all three interpretations.

Yes, I can be extremely shallow sometimes.


- - - - -
I'll get back to reading the book some other time, as I've picked up a previously abandoned one: Les Miserables.

Seconds, please

I've always thought of taking up a second course even before I graduated but this is the first time I seriously consider pushing through with it.

I've been restless. God, I've been restless for as long as I can remember (well, around five+ years and counting). I won't go into detail about that anymore, as I've already done so profusely in previous blogs. I have this feeling of discontent. As if I know nothing and I have nowhere to go, no direction and clear paths to follow.

As much as I like to study again, I know that I can't for, you know, certain reasons. No, I'm not 100% sure if the course I want to take is the right one. But it's the closest to whatever it is that I want, or at least I believe I want. The thing is, I'm pretty much willing to take that risk. I'm not known for taking risks, fact is, I'm scared as hell with the whole business of taking risks and facing changes. So I guess it's a big thing, or at least worth noting that this time, I think I can. Funny how when your mind's (partially) made up about something, you can't really push through and act upon it.


Mistake upon mistake . . .


I know I have to make do with what I have. This is where I am now, and I can't go back, I can only move forward. I'm just tired with this feeling. And no, you can't really shut out these so-called feelings (at least I can't), you can only cover them up. It's freaking me out, how when I finally have something I think can make things different, and hopefully better, there's really no way of going on with it.

Let's try again, shall we?

There are books you read a thousand times over because you love them. Then, there's those you wouldn't even think of picking up again. But, there's also some you would want to give a second chance. Books that you didn't fully appreciate the first time you've read them (maybe my expectations were too high?), but are willing to spend time with again in hopes of having a different (preferably favorable) feeling towards them. Such is the case with the following:

• The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood
• A Spot of Bother, Mark Haddon
• The Pillars of the Earth, Ken Follett
• The Painter of Battles, Arturo Perez, Reverte

I see a lot of people who really like the first and third. As for me, I don't know. Follett is nice, but I didn't like it as much as I hoped I would, as with Atwood. I've been wanting to buy Haddon for months and received it as a present during college, I liked it enough, but I didn't really enjoy reading it. I want to like and enjoy these books, so some time (maybe next year), I'll give 'em a shot once more.

Clothes, or the lack thereof

It's been almost a year since I bought any article of clothing. Is that bad (or gross) for any reason at all? I hope not. I feel more compelled to spend every cent on books and film rolls. Lately though, it's been books books books and nothing but, as you can probably tell from the amount of book-related posts.

I want to buy some new clothing; I already feel the need (actually, it's been months). I've been wearing the same items over and over, and I sort of pity them (and ultimately myself). Have to give them some rest and make myself look, well, different.

But. Can I fight the urge to splurge on books? I should hope so. I can't really wear books now, can I?

On new cameras and reading

This was the compact camera I was talking about on my previous entry, which I got from B for free. ("From B for free" Rhyming, eh? And happens too often haha.) I have two rolls of film left, and I can't decide on which camera to use them. Might use one for this, just to try it out.

On other news, my sister have been borrowing books from my Booksale hauls. I admire her for having an unending urge to devour a book, seems to always be in the mood to read, plus she's always been a fast reader. Makes me envious sometimes, 'cause despite my love for books and reading, I'm a rather lazy and slow reader. And as for her, she tends to read book after book after book after... despite having a very busy sched (she's working full-time and finishing up her thesis at the same time). Makes me wonder though, if she absorbs everything she reads. Haha. She doesn't seem to stop and think or reflect upon what she'd just read. Whatever works for you, right?

I'm not complaining about being a slow reader really, I just wish I can be like her in the sense that she never (or seldom) loses the mood to read. Oh well, time to pick up the next book!

This is not a book blog

Just to make it clear :)

Though it seems to be one, judging from the number of posts under the category "books." Blog identity crisis? Naah. Generally, that's all there is to my days right now (being still unemployed). Reading books, visiting book blogs etc. It gets boring sometimes despite my love for books and reading.

And oh, I acquired a compact camera yesterday! I totally forgot about it so no photos of it, people.  Tomorrow, yes? My excitement went down several notches when I read that it has "autoflash" and that it "flashes every time." True enough, there are no on/off switch for it. Why????? I don't know what to do about it, I mostly shoot in daylight. So I guess my plan of making it my carry-all day-everyday camera won't work. I also initially thought it was auto-focus, but it turned out to be focus-free. (I was hoping for a sharper alternative to my toy camera.) So, it's just like an electronic toy camera? No complaints, though! I have my trusty Bell+Howell to do the job, which it initially held anyway. Gotta add a nice compact camera to my wishlist. :)

B+H = daylight
Kodak = flashy nights

Maybe you're thinking "why didn't you check the features thoroughly before buying?" Well, I didn't buy it. I got it from B for free! Complete with manual, box, case, and a still-loaded film from who knows what year haha. Will have that processed someday.

On a totally unrelated note, I've been jotting down some thoughts on a notebook that I may or may not post here. Some personal stuff. I don't know how to lay out these thoughts cohesively in an entry, so I've been putting off this "task." Another thing is that I can't even decide whether these stuff are what I really feel. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I feel the contrary. I'm such a mess. Well, I'll try.

Thoughts on The Quiet Girl by Peter Høeg

Kasper Krone is a world-renowned circus clown, and a man in some deep trouble. Drowning in gambling debt and wanted for tax evasion, Krone is drafted into the service of a mysterious order of nuns who promise him reprieve in return for his help safeguarding a group of children with mystical abilities—abilities that Krone also shares. When one of the children goes missing, Krone sets off to find the young girl and bring her back, making a shocking series of discoveries along the way.

Ahhh... So after 4 days of semi-forcing myself to finish this book, I'm finally done. There are nice quotes throughout the book, but aside from that, I didn't really get anything from the story save for a splitting headache and disappointment. Though I got this secondhand, I wish I hadn't bought it at all. It's that bad (for me, at least).

CONFUSING. If I had to use just one word to describe how I feel about The Quiet Girl, that would definitely be it. Looking at my notes, that's the most used word. It's an understatement, still.

A few things:

- Time, sequencing: too confusing. I felt like I'm being propelled back and forth through time too often than necessary.

- Too many characters. Too much stuff going on. Too many complications. Too many pages. Too many information sometimes. I had to go back a few pages (and sometimes, chapters) just to remember who the hell these people are and what the hell's happening. More often than not, I still didn't get it. I don't think I understood anything at all.

- I find it extremely boring. I fought the urge to quit reading it too many a time. But I finished it, still; I desperately wanted to find something that would make me like this book, because I genuinely felt there was something to like. Well, 408 pages later, I found nothing. Aside from Maximillian, which was the only character I truly liked, loved even. I'm torn between liking Kasper and dismissing him as just "okay."

- When I was reading the book, I decided that this would fall to the okay-i-have-to-read-this-again-some-time-maybe-i'll-appreciate-it-by-then pile but that changed even before I was done. I never wanted to discard a book even if I didn't like it much but this one, I don't know. I just feel extremely dumb because of it, feel like it ruined my life. HAHAHAHA. Kidding aside, there's a part of me that seriously wants to get rid of the book.

I rarely do this because I'm not good at making reviews, I just felt like I had to let this out somehow, somewhere. Haha. Forgive me for rambling.

my Goodreads rating: 1 star

Maniac, who?

My favorite Booksale branch is the one closest to where I live and the one I frequent the most. From this branch I bought my omg-i-found-one books: The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen, A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby, and The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. I'm currently eyeing an LOTR trilogy boxed set and a photography book from the same branch.

The thrill of looking at, looking for, and buying books have surpassed the thrill of actually reading them. And when I'm not buying books, I usually scour the internet for book recommendations and reviews, lurking mostly on blogs I recently discovered.

Is that bad? I don't really think so. But I guess I should allot as much time and energy on reading as I do on this current book-hunting and buying frenzy. (Which I obviously do not.)

A few things: I have poor eyesight but my eyes are extremely fast in "locating" familiar titles/authors. I rummage like a maniac. I sometimes go to a particular Booksale branch for days in a row. I still end up buying books even if I forbid myself to even go to bookstores.


I'm turning vicious, folks. Better call the doctor.

Heading out with Peter Høeg

Yep, I bought another secondhand book. Two books, but B offered to pay for the other. Heehee. I brought it along yesterday but sadly, I never took it out of my bag. No time to read, although I thought there would be. I started reading it when I got home.

I'm currently on the 12th chapter of Part One. It's a bit of a pain to read, in my opinion. It's tedious and sometimes very confusing. I am constantly tempted to pick up another book. I got a lot of nice quotes, though. Still hoping that this would turn out to be a good read.

How are you?

That's about it. How about you?

Clumsy

I make for the door
I stumble, I fall


_____

Supposed to be a haiku, but I can't think of anything more to add. Yeah

Booksale* addiction

As I surveyed my recent book purchases, I realized something: I'm forming a Booksale addiction.

I don't frequent Booksale in the past as I never see familiar books (other than the usual Grisham, Steel, Roberts...) or books I wanted to buy there. Recently though, I've been buying a lot of never-heard books and see myself rummaging through every nook and cranny of the store, hoping to find a treasure.

Four weeks and three Booksale branches later, here are the stuff I accumulated:

The hardcovers (top to bottom):

• The Natural History of Uncas Metcalfe by Betsey Osborne
• The Mercury Visions of Louis Daguerre by Dominic Smith
• The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling
• Saint Mudd by Steve Thayer
• Dinosaurs on the Roof by David Rabe

The paperbacks (top to bottom):

• Balcony People by Joyce Landorf Heatherley
• Grayson by Lynn Cox
• The Girl in the Glass by Jeffrey Ford
• A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby
• The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
• The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen
• The Best American Mystery Stories 2005 edited by Joyce Carol Oates
• The Soul Catcher by Michael White

Oh my, thirteen books! Nomnomnom. Done with The Soul Catcher and The Kite Runner. I have a looong way to go before I finish them all.

These are the gems of the pile :>

Currently reading: Dinosaurs on the Roof, Saint Mudd, and The Best American Mystery Stories

__________

*Booksale is a used books store chain in the Philippines, with items varying from references to children's books, coffee table to medical ones, classics to bestsellers. They also carry new and back issues of local and international/foreign magazines.

Can't. Resist. Noooo.

 (I hear Alanis in my head singing Hand In My Pocket but with the words: I'm sick but I'm blogging, I'm broke but I'm buying books...)

Another trip to two Booksale branches yielded these lovely purchases: The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling, The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen, and The Best American Mystery Stories edited by Joyce Carol Oates. Maybe you're thinking "hey, I thought you were broke." I am. I only paid for one of those ;) Tip: If you don't have cash to shell out, bring someone with you who's willing to pay for you. HAHAHA. I feel so lucky to have found The Corrections!

Now, I know these aren't on my to-buy list, but I have my reasons or... "this is me, trying to justify my purchases." Really though, these are true:

• I want to buy more short story/essay collections/anthologies. I really like Like the Flowing River by Paulo Coelho and I think that's the book I've re-read the most. I thought I wouldn't be fine with such format at first, but it quite appealed to me.
• I want to buy books of certain authors I've come to know through blogs/websites I frequent or stumbled upon. These include: Michael Chabon, Jonathan Franzen, Jonathan Safran Foer, Amy Bloom, Anne Carson, John Green (WANT Looking for Alaska), and (more of) Nick Hornby, whose novel A Long Way Down (which I meant to buy for the longest time) I was able to buy secondhand last month. Yay for inexpensive books!
• As for The Jungle Book hahahaha... I dunno. I've always liked children's books, and I used to watch this on TV when I was younger. I. Couldn't. Resist. I almost shrieked when I saw it. I was more excited than when I saw Franzen's book (during which my eyes widened) hahaha.

Yep. Three more added to the reading stack!

Dear Self--

Just to remind you and practically shove this to your face: You need to get a job. NOW.
Why? Lemme give you some extremely important points.

Point 1: How would you get them film rolls processed? And in case you haven't noticed yet, they're already collecting dust.

Point 1.1: Also, you only have two rolls left in your film "stash." If cameras were living things, yours would be dead very very soon.

Point 2: How would you have this treasure your sister unearthed repaired?

Point 2.2: If the camera in point 2 deems irreparable, how would you purchase a rangefinder, which you said you want to give yourself for Christmas?

Point 3: How will you buy all them books you've listed and updated obsessively? With your current state, you won't even have enough money to buy a secondhand book.

And Point 4, and this I think is the most important of all: How would you pay for your phone bills? Remember, your debt is rapidly accumulating.

So, self, have I convinced you yet? Ye lazy slug.

Hello there, dirty camera

I'll have you checked and CLA'd some time, yes?

My sister unearthed this from my uncle's pile of junk. She wants it for herself, but she's not willing to pay for repairs and all. So, it's mine now. Yezzz. If this can't be repaired, then that's fine. I'll keep it still :>

I didn't think there were rangefinders this big; it's bigger than my SR-T! And I don't know if I'm just imagining it, but it seems heavier too. But hey, if it works, then lucky me!

The struggle

The more I try to ignore this budding feeling,
the more I fall for you

The more I avoid looking into your eyes,
the more I see through you

And as I try to drown these crazy thoughts,
my heart says "I love you"

ICU

Eyes gaze up, eyes meet
Trying hard to look away
Frozen by your stare

Duet

Sing me a love song
And I'll sing you another
Our hearts a-flutter

Moving on with the reading

After almost two days of rest from reading, I finally chose what book to read next. And the winner is:

Steve Thayer's Saint Mudd with my awkward self trying to do a bookface. Apparently, the book's a bit too big. So this picture is more like I'm hiding behind the book. Heh. Oh well.

I've never successfully read two books side by side, but I will make another attempt. Will also be reading David Rabe's Dinosaurs on the Roof.

P.S. My grandmother came out of their room right after I took this photo. Said that I should be looking for a job instead of whatever it is I'm doing. I agree and disagree at the same time.

Unwanted

I cling to your arm
Hoping you would feel my warmth
You push me away

Unfamiliar

When did my touch start to feel foreign?

Is it after we've been apart for so long,

Or when you realized your love for me is gone?

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

The story's so good, I can't even put it into words. I really love this book, especially the first half of it. I finished it in four days, not remarkable, but I'm glad I didn't rush it. Also, I didn't pick up another book yesterday, which gave me more time to think about the story (and stay glued to my laptop most of the day haha). Sometimes it feels good to let the story seep in and the words linger in your head before moving on to another. Later perhaps? :)

Thoughts on The Kite Runner (spoiler!):

• The way in which the characters' personalities are presented is really good. I especially loved how Ali and Hassan are presented in the story, and their respective roles. I love their loyalty, their innate goodness, their honesty. Needless to say, they are my favorites.
• I didn't like Amir in most parts of the story, but that's just me. And though I dislike him, some of his actions are acceptable, even if it means mistreatment of Hassan. It is only natural for people especially children to feel jealous. It only turned ugly after the kite running incident.
• Assef makes me sick.
• I like the twist in the story of Hassan's identity, and the way it was revealed. 
• I didn't give much thought about Amir's father at first, but I appreciated and learned to like his character as the story progressed. I especially liked how he responded to Ali and Hassan's decision to leave. It shows the vulnerability of an otherwise (and usually) tough character.
• I hate how all the characters I liked died, and the fact that they did. But I love the story nonetheless.
• Again, Assef makes me sick.
• I was sooo happy how Sohrab "avenged" Hassan, without him knowing it! Haha. Assef deserves much more than that!
• The ending was just...okay. It doesn't change the fact that I love the book, though.
• I would definitely read this book again some time!

Okaaay! Now on to the next book. Which will it be?

• Grayson by Lynne Cox
• Girl in the Glass by Jeffrey Ford
• Saint Mudd by Steve Thayer
• The Natural History of Uncas Metcalfe by Betsey Osborne

Droplets of letters

On rainy days such as today, I am constantly reminded of a particular verse I made years ago. It was my very first thought as I opened my eyes one morning. As you have probably guessed, it was raining that day.

The rain keeps on pouring
My tears keep on falling
And like raindrops from the sky,
Pieces of me come crashing to the ground


Emo days, if you will.

After the break (fictional)

I've been single for three months now, after four years of being with someone. This is the first time I’ll be sharing about the relationship and, ironically, it’s the end of it.

It’s been three months, and I’m more devastated than I had let on (at least I know I should be). Wait, that’s not quite accurate. Truth is, I carried on day by day like I normally would—minus the sweet messages, frequent calls, regular dates… Well, you get the picture. I never shed a tear. Not even once. As if the moment you said it’s over, all emotions went down the drain. All I even mustered to say was a measly “okay.”

The universe decided today would be different, heck of a lot different, if I say so myself. I had a dream. It was the sweetest dream. Like the summary of those four wonderful years. Our friendship. Our courtship. Our relationship. Our breakup. And just like that, it turned into a nightmare.

I woke up feeling tears trickling down the side of my face. I heard myself sniff. Once. Twice. Next thing I know, I was bawling. Almost screaming. It’s been three damned months. This is the first time I’ve shown emotion—real ones. Delayed reaction at its best. I felt raw, bare. As if even the slightest touch would mar me, and leave a scar I would forever live with.

At that moment, I knew everything would change. Have I been subconsciously pretending all this time? Have I been purposefully delaying acknowledging the pain? I can’t quite grasp the reality of all this, of both the breakup and my lack of “proper” response (if there’s even such a thing). All I know now (and somehow I’m glad I do) is that I’m bursting at the seams, and I can’t hold on much longer.


This marks the beginning of my grieving.


_____

Because I cannot sleep last night.

One too many Hunger Games

My sister arrived here yesterday cheerfully stating that she purchased The Hunger Games. I came out of the room to look at it and was surprised to see she shelled out that much money to buy the boxed set (I thought she only bought book one). Imagine the look on her face when I informed her that I have the same set. LOL

I didn't know she knew about the series 'cause she never asked me if I've heard of it or if I have a copy. She usually does if there's a book that interests her. You see, my siblings and I love to read, so we often ask each other about books. She doesn't hate me, though I think she would've appreciated if I told her I have one :)) Then she could've bought several other books instead. I'm sorry, dear sister! Forgive me? :D

At least you have your own copy, right? HAHA

Just finished: Envy by Sandra Brown

I am quite tempted to transfer some of the posts on my previous blog here, as I've done with my entries regarding two trips to Booksale. However, this wouldn't be much of a "fresh start" if I continue transferring posts now, would it? I might just pick a few to re-post. Most of the entries I wanted to copy are about books, anyway.

In other news, I finished a book today:

Maris Matherly-Reed is a renowned New York book editor, the daughter of a publisher and the wife of bestselling author Noah Reed. It isn't often that an unsolicited submission so captivates her that she feels she must immediately meet its author. But Maris has just received a tantalizing partial manuscript submitted by a writer identified only as P.M.E., with the return address of an obscure island off the Georgia coast. P.M.E.'s blockbuster potential--and perhaps something else--compels Maris to search for him.

On an eerie, ruined cotton plantation, she finds Parker Evans, a man determined to conceal his identity as well as his past. Working with him chapter by chapter, Maris is riveted by his tale of two friends who charter a boat with a young woman for a night of revelry...an excursion from which only one person returns.

As the story unfolds, Maris becomes convinced it is more than just fiction. Disturbed about her growing attraction to Parker and gripped by a chilling suspicion about his novel's characters, she searches for the undisclosed truth about a crime committed decades ago. Then someone close to her dies, while even closer looms the presence of evil--a man who will use her, or anyone, to get what he wants...

Exploring the way love and hatred shape lives, ENVY uses both Maris's quest and Parker's novel to create a breathtaking story of suspense. Not until the shattering, surprise finale will readers guess the solution to its puzzle of deceit and murder, retribution and redemption.

Whew! Now that's one long synopsis. I'm never good at making reviews, and I don't think this passes as one. But, here's what I think about Envy: (watch out for spoilers!)

Prioritized book spending

I've been obsessing about books again lately, ever since this. I told B I'd save P5k and splurge on next year's MBIF (or any big bookstore sale), to avenge (yep) my not being able to attend this year. HAH! I doubt if I'll be able to save up that much without being tempted to spend it on say, a camera, for film processing, and for stocking up on films. Even more so, if I'll have the heart to spend that much money in one day, even if it's on books.

I'll try very hard to restrain myself from buying unfamiliar books each time I visit Booksale 'cause however cheap they may be, it somehow keeps me from buying (or saving up for) the ones I've really been meaning to buy.

I am posting this list to remind me of the books I should prioritize in buying:

• Looking for Alaska, John Green
• Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Jonathan Safran Foer
• Ariel, Sylvia Plath (restored ed.)
• I Am the Messenger, Markus Zusak
• All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, Robert Fulghum
• Theft, Peter Carey
• The Invention of Hugo Cabret, Brian Selznick
• Moondogs, Alexander Yates
• The Collector, John Fowles
• If I Loved You, I Would Tell You This, Robin Black
• The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde
• How to Be Alone, Jonathan Franzen
• The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, Mark Haddon
• What the Dog Saw and Other Adventures, Malcolm Gladwell
• The Evolution of Bruno Littlemore, Benjamin Hale
• The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, J. R. R. Tolkien
• Self-Portrait Photography, Natalie "Miss Aniela" Dybisz

New books again!

I went to another branch of Booksale this weekend, hoping to find some titles I have been wanting to have. I found nothing. But, as I mentioned before, I do not leave Booksale empty-handed most of the time. I decided to buy books that have pretty covers or weird titles instead. Haha.

Picked up this one first:

An unfamiliar book. I really really love its jacket design for some reason. I like the title, and the synopsis is intriguing enough so I didn’t hesitate to buy it. Price: P15

Most of the books from the stack are facing the opposite side, so you cannot see what books they are unless you take them from the pile. I don’t know what it’s called or how to describe it properly, but… I was attracted to this book even before I knew what it was because the leaves are uneven (ugh, help!). I hope you understand what I’m trying to say hahaha. I actually saw this before the first book but as I was taking off the topmost books, I saw that.

I got so excited when I saw the title (hint: Daguerre). This is a fictional take on the life of the inventor of daguerrotype, one of the earliest methods of capturing images. I feel lucky to have spotted this :D Price: P15

I like the graphic novel-like design and the jacket’s texture, and it seems interesting too. A novel of gangsters and saints, huh? Price: P40

I’m not quite sure why I bought this one. I like the title a lot, but the synopsis didn’t interest me as much as the ones above. The average rating is 2.29/5 on goodreads hahaha. I hope I’ll like it :) Price: P10 HAHAHA

All four are hardcovers. THEY’RE REAL HEAVY AND HARD TO CARRY. No regrets, though (not yet, at least) :) Total amount: P80 HAH