You live in the face of strangers

I don't know if the fact that I see a lot of people who resemble you is a good thing or not. I'm not even sure if  I can trust my eyes, given that I don't have 20/20 vision.

Sometimes I think I'm just subconsciously (and yet, willfully) torturing myself. And, just to be honest, I think I prefer it this way. It makes me think about and remember you more.

I have yet to encounter someone who sounds like you. It's hard to admit that I'm very close to forgetting your voice entirely. I just wish that if I ever hear someone who's a close match, I'd recognize you in her. I want to remember.

It's that time of the year again

One year has again been added to my years of existence. I have just finished saying thank-you's to those who have greeted me over at facebook. It surprises me how a lot of people that I've never even talked to took a second of their day to type "happy birthday" on my wall. Honestly, I've always felt awkward and uncomfortable answering these posts, especially face-to-face greetings even from friends and family. Like I feel embarrassed that they know my birthday, even if only through facebook. I'm weird like that. But I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

So, 23. How does it feel to be one year older? Honestly, I cannot believe that I'm this old already. Perhaps it's because nothing remarkable or even slightly of note has happened in those first few years of adulthood. Wait, that seems a bit off. I don't feel like an adult. I am far from acting like one, no question about that. Let's just say I feel like I wasted my "youth," those glorious early 20's (and late teens) that were supposed to be the best times of our lives. It's over. But hey, 23 is still considered to be in the early 20's, right? Right?? So maybe, it still isn't quite over yet. I have a year to change that. Or maybe not.

I can't seem to grasp the idea that I'm way past 20. Why 20, you ask? Nothing. It's like the last age I remember myself being, for no particular reason. This seems shallow and stupid, but I kind of believed I could never be older than that. Not that I would die at that age, but that I'm incapable of moving past that age. that I'll be forever 20. (Good thing I didn't say 21, else that last sentence would've sound... too commercial haha.) Just to add to this line of thought, at some point, I also thought I'd never live past high school (this falls under the I'd-die-at-this age kind). While in college, I thought I'd never live past that as well (a mix of both kinds). See the trend here?

So to go back to that how-do-I-feel question: I feel sad, really. I never thought that I would be "someone" by this time, but I never thought I would be like this either. Not nobody, that sounds too emo, but this. Just this.

At this point, I've mostly already lost track of my thoughts, so I'll try to end this now. Not what anyone would expect for a birthday post, no? Most people would talk of happy things and be thankful for so many stuff. I wish I could have done that, because I could. I really could. But I just wanted this to be one thing, and that is honest. And it is.


Happy birthday to me. :)

Hey Ma

I miss my mom. These past few days (or weeks) I've been constantly imagining coming up to and hugging her. I don't know. It sucks. Sucks that I can't do it, not the fact that I imagine cheesy stuff. Heh.


I log on once in a while and post super random posts like this. I am a good blogger. You should be proud.

It is so much easier to remain stagnant, so much easier to daydream.

But easier doesn't necessarily mean better.

Lazy ass can't remember

It was past 2am and I can't sleep. Nothing unusual about that.
I thought of a line, a very catchy line.
One to use for a future project?
One to use for the blog?
I can't remember. All I know is it's something you can only probably think of once.
I fought the urge to take note of it out of fear of losing the desire to sleep.
I'll write it down later in the day, I thought to myself, confident I'll be able to remember.
But I can't. I always can't. Hell, I know it even before I decided to just close my eyes and lull myself to sleep.

I regret it every single time.

Just read.

Read.
Read books old and new. Read books obsolete and mainstream.
Read books from fiction to non-fiction, from children's to memoirs. Have a taste of different genres.
Read good books. A whole lot of 'em.
Read bad books. Hopefully not as much. And when you come across a book you deem to be worse than the last bad book you held, think about how it'll make you appreciate the good stuff more.
And then read even more good books. Read fantastic ones.
Choose several favorites. You can never have JUST ONE. Today you may prefer this, tomorrow another. Yesterday's favorite may not even be one of those.
Read. I beg you.
Just read.

--note to self

. . .

Buying or not, I almost always stop by bookshops whenever I'm at the mall. It feels nice going through the aisles, looking for new titles to add on my list, touching books big and small, looking at the covers, checking the availability of items from my list etc. Lately though, I've been feeling a little guilty of my book expenditures. Don't hate me, but I feel like it's been more of an extravagance on my side, especially because I'm unemployed. It's like a sin. I don't need it yet I've been emptying out my wallet just to take home that shiny (really?) book or that one which randomly caught my eye. Secondhand shops doesn't make much of a difference since I tend to always hoard.

But, still, I buy. That guilty feeling doesn't have much effect on me so you're free to give me a pat on the back. Who can possibly stop buying books? I mean, seriously. And why deprive yourself of something that makes you happy? So long as you don't go overboard (walking home from EDSA going south; fasting for one week), then you're fine. AND HAPPY. So, you know. JUST KEEP READING. (to the tune of Dory's "Just keep swimming")

Just a thought

I'd like to own a small café which is also a bookshop. It may be a mini-library where customers can check out books or a secondhand bookshop. It can also be both.

I see a lot of similar concepts in other countries (through Tumblr) and I love the abundance of independent bookstores in these places. That's not really common from where I live.

I won't mind manning the store myself.

I read a lot of blogs every time I go online and I often find myself looking through several pages of posts. I admire those who can easily articulate whatever's on their mind, and I find myself asking what the hell am I doing with my blog.

With transferring to Blogger from Wordpress, I promised myself that I would do more personal posts. Reading the blog, I find that everything here just seems superficial. It's either I have nothing better to say/nothing on my mind or I just find it hard to put 'em thoughts into words, which is often the case. I long for the days when blogging (for me) is spontaneous, high school days when everything and anything that pops on your mind gets instantly published. I wish I could be like that again, only better at writing.

This blog needs a change.

Just a realization (a.k.a. oh, I'm reminded yet again that...)

I am such an awkward being.

Sometimes I wish time would just stop, or I could vanish, be invisible, anything to make things stop, make mouths shut up, make things frozen in place.

Sometimes I wish I could be somebody else, be some place besides where I am now, doing and being able to do some other things.

Sometimes I wish I would be in a state where I won't be wishing such things.

(un)happy endings

It's weird how sometimes, things just pop in your head. But these moments often lead to good, usually creative, ideas, right? Well, I had an idea.

The image of The Little Match Girl suddenly flashed through my mind. You know that sudden thoughts that sometimes make no sense or just come out of nowhere? I immediately confirmed with my sister the manner of death of the girl, and it's one sad way to go. Isn't the story a fairytale? If it was, then it should have had a happy ending, right? Maybe it wasn't. That was probably the saddest story I have ever read during my younger years.

The idea I had was continuing the story, or somehow altering something about the story. I don't know why but, however sad it was (it's friggin' heartbreaking, dammit), it is actually good...I think. I know I used to have the book, but I rarely still have the things I owned from childhood. So, I would definitely hunt for a copy; if I would work on the idea, I first have to reacquaint myself with the whole story. I don't remember much, other than she sells on the street and strikes a match to warm herself. Then she eventually dies. Hah.

The only problem though, is I have no idea what I would do with the story. I'm not sure if I want it to have a happy ending, maybe change her death to be less sad and alone? Or her story could be my inspiration in making my own Match Girl. I don't know. We'll see.

I talk as if I'm any good at making (mending?) stories, but I'm not. It's just an idea, and I do hope I can think of something and get to it! That would be nice :)

Baby it's cold outside

...as well as indoors. It's been raining for a few days now, and I need someone to cuddle with. *cough

A few random thoughts:

I want these. All four. I'm not certain if these will suit me, but it seems to look good on everyone, "everyone" being pictures of people (of varying shapes and sizes) over the interwebs.

 There's a faint blue marking on this canvas backpack that I wanted to cover up. It says "Joyce," which is the name of my aunt, and the original owner of this bag. I literally cannot wait to get my hands on some fabric markers (I'm thinking Stained by Sharpie, which I couldn't find anywhere), so I grabbed some of my water-based pens and hastily drew on it. Must not let this bag get wet.

New books! Coraline crossed out of my to-buy list. Yey! I loved the movie, and I loved the book as well! I think I'll watch the movie again later, yes? I have an e-book of McEwan's, but I never got past the first chapter. I'm still not comfortable with reading novels on a computer screen. I don't think I'll ever be. Real books are just so much more fun! And oh, these are secondhand. I can't remember the last time I bought a brand new book. Don't you just love inexpensive books? :)

Sometimes, I just sit and stare at my books. And I don't even have a lot. I think I own more "okay" books than good ones, not happy about it. Must rethink book choices.

Random post is random. Bye!

Not quite right (yet)

I started reading a book the previous week entitled It's All Right Now by Charles Chadwick. I abandoned it after a few pages, not because I didn't like it (though I thought it to be a bit wordy) but because I'm not in a reading mood, so to speak.

I quite like the phrase: It's all right now. Simple, but can be interpreted in several ways (or so I say). Does it mean "it's okay/fine now," "everything's happening right now," or "everything is how it should be?" Am I even making sense? Haha.

I don't know. I like it to the extent that I'm contemplating whether to rename this blog or not. It sounds more of a tagline though, and doesn't have the slightest possible connection to my current title. Will think of some other way to use this phrase. Plus, it doesn't fit my current state, all three interpretations.

Yes, I can be extremely shallow sometimes.


- - - - -
I'll get back to reading the book some other time, as I've picked up a previously abandoned one: Les Miserables.

Clothes, or the lack thereof

It's been almost a year since I bought any article of clothing. Is that bad (or gross) for any reason at all? I hope not. I feel more compelled to spend every cent on books and film rolls. Lately though, it's been books books books and nothing but, as you can probably tell from the amount of book-related posts.

I want to buy some new clothing; I already feel the need (actually, it's been months). I've been wearing the same items over and over, and I sort of pity them (and ultimately myself). Have to give them some rest and make myself look, well, different.

But. Can I fight the urge to splurge on books? I should hope so. I can't really wear books now, can I?

This is not a book blog

Just to make it clear :)

Though it seems to be one, judging from the number of posts under the category "books." Blog identity crisis? Naah. Generally, that's all there is to my days right now (being still unemployed). Reading books, visiting book blogs etc. It gets boring sometimes despite my love for books and reading.

And oh, I acquired a compact camera yesterday! I totally forgot about it so no photos of it, people.  Tomorrow, yes? My excitement went down several notches when I read that it has "autoflash" and that it "flashes every time." True enough, there are no on/off switch for it. Why????? I don't know what to do about it, I mostly shoot in daylight. So I guess my plan of making it my carry-all day-everyday camera won't work. I also initially thought it was auto-focus, but it turned out to be focus-free. (I was hoping for a sharper alternative to my toy camera.) So, it's just like an electronic toy camera? No complaints, though! I have my trusty Bell+Howell to do the job, which it initially held anyway. Gotta add a nice compact camera to my wishlist. :)

B+H = daylight
Kodak = flashy nights

Maybe you're thinking "why didn't you check the features thoroughly before buying?" Well, I didn't buy it. I got it from B for free! Complete with manual, box, case, and a still-loaded film from who knows what year haha. Will have that processed someday.

On a totally unrelated note, I've been jotting down some thoughts on a notebook that I may or may not post here. Some personal stuff. I don't know how to lay out these thoughts cohesively in an entry, so I've been putting off this "task." Another thing is that I can't even decide whether these stuff are what I really feel. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I feel the contrary. I'm such a mess. Well, I'll try.

Sudden move

I was tweaking some HTML stuff on my previous blog, and I messed it up big time. I wanted to keep the site, but I just can't fix it. Stupid me. I guess I'll have to try again some time.

I'm thinking of doing a more "personal" approach to blogging, as I've been a bit reserved (based on my observation) and shallow. Maybe starting off fresh will help in achieving that. Or, maybe, I'm just saying that to help me accept that my previous blog is beyond repair. Heh.

Anyway, hello Blogger. Let's do this!