The one who has no dreams (still)

Is it possible for a person to have no dreams? No personal goals? No life plans?
I don’t know what I want to be.
I don’t know where I want to be.
I don’t know who I want to be.
Just what the hell am I going to do with my life?

. . .

Those are the opening lines of an entry in my old blog dated August of last year. I've been able to catch up with a friend these past few days and since we've already both graduated from college, talks about what we wanted to do came up.

She wants to study IT, and have already processed some papers. That's another three or four years but her parents don't mind so all's good. It's quite far from her first course (i.e., tourism), and just as far from the flying course she took afterwards. And while she's preparing for this IT venture, she's looking into visa applications for Australia. She says she wants to live there someday and probably study, too. I admire her for being interested in a lot of things, being very talented and an academic achiever, and good at whatever she does. She's determined to pursue her dreams (and she claims to have a long list), and that's great. I am genuinely happy for her.

Naturally, we talked about myself as well. What I wanted, my dreams, goals, and such. I have none. Five months after I first declared to the world wide web that I am a "dreamless" creature, here I am, reminding the interwebs of the existence of one such earthling.

She says it's impossible to not have even one dream. There's got to be something I wish to be, or have. She told me to ask myself, to find out once and for all what dreams lie dead in my heart and mind. I've done it a million times. And believe me when I say I truly, genuinely want to know. I still don't.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: It scares the hell out of me. It's like I'm walking in the woods, which never seems to be penetrated by the sun's light, never knowing which way to go.

I just hope and pray I'll be able to get past this dreamless phase. Because I would very much like to have dreams of my own. Then maybe, just maybe, I would chance upon a path where I can aim my anxious gaze.