Clothes, or the lack thereof

It's been almost a year since I bought any article of clothing. Is that bad (or gross) for any reason at all? I hope not. I feel more compelled to spend every cent on books and film rolls. Lately though, it's been books books books and nothing but, as you can probably tell from the amount of book-related posts.

I want to buy some new clothing; I already feel the need (actually, it's been months). I've been wearing the same items over and over, and I sort of pity them (and ultimately myself). Have to give them some rest and make myself look, well, different.

But. Can I fight the urge to splurge on books? I should hope so. I can't really wear books now, can I?

On new cameras and reading

This was the compact camera I was talking about on my previous entry, which I got from B for free. ("From B for free" Rhyming, eh? And happens too often haha.) I have two rolls of film left, and I can't decide on which camera to use them. Might use one for this, just to try it out.

On other news, my sister have been borrowing books from my Booksale hauls. I admire her for having an unending urge to devour a book, seems to always be in the mood to read, plus she's always been a fast reader. Makes me envious sometimes, 'cause despite my love for books and reading, I'm a rather lazy and slow reader. And as for her, she tends to read book after book after book after... despite having a very busy sched (she's working full-time and finishing up her thesis at the same time). Makes me wonder though, if she absorbs everything she reads. Haha. She doesn't seem to stop and think or reflect upon what she'd just read. Whatever works for you, right?

I'm not complaining about being a slow reader really, I just wish I can be like her in the sense that she never (or seldom) loses the mood to read. Oh well, time to pick up the next book!

This is not a book blog

Just to make it clear :)

Though it seems to be one, judging from the number of posts under the category "books." Blog identity crisis? Naah. Generally, that's all there is to my days right now (being still unemployed). Reading books, visiting book blogs etc. It gets boring sometimes despite my love for books and reading.

And oh, I acquired a compact camera yesterday! I totally forgot about it so no photos of it, people.  Tomorrow, yes? My excitement went down several notches when I read that it has "autoflash" and that it "flashes every time." True enough, there are no on/off switch for it. Why????? I don't know what to do about it, I mostly shoot in daylight. So I guess my plan of making it my carry-all day-everyday camera won't work. I also initially thought it was auto-focus, but it turned out to be focus-free. (I was hoping for a sharper alternative to my toy camera.) So, it's just like an electronic toy camera? No complaints, though! I have my trusty Bell+Howell to do the job, which it initially held anyway. Gotta add a nice compact camera to my wishlist. :)

B+H = daylight
Kodak = flashy nights

Maybe you're thinking "why didn't you check the features thoroughly before buying?" Well, I didn't buy it. I got it from B for free! Complete with manual, box, case, and a still-loaded film from who knows what year haha. Will have that processed someday.

On a totally unrelated note, I've been jotting down some thoughts on a notebook that I may or may not post here. Some personal stuff. I don't know how to lay out these thoughts cohesively in an entry, so I've been putting off this "task." Another thing is that I can't even decide whether these stuff are what I really feel. Sometimes I agree, sometimes I feel the contrary. I'm such a mess. Well, I'll try.

Thoughts on The Quiet Girl by Peter Høeg

Kasper Krone is a world-renowned circus clown, and a man in some deep trouble. Drowning in gambling debt and wanted for tax evasion, Krone is drafted into the service of a mysterious order of nuns who promise him reprieve in return for his help safeguarding a group of children with mystical abilities—abilities that Krone also shares. When one of the children goes missing, Krone sets off to find the young girl and bring her back, making a shocking series of discoveries along the way.

Ahhh... So after 4 days of semi-forcing myself to finish this book, I'm finally done. There are nice quotes throughout the book, but aside from that, I didn't really get anything from the story save for a splitting headache and disappointment. Though I got this secondhand, I wish I hadn't bought it at all. It's that bad (for me, at least).

CONFUSING. If I had to use just one word to describe how I feel about The Quiet Girl, that would definitely be it. Looking at my notes, that's the most used word. It's an understatement, still.

A few things:

- Time, sequencing: too confusing. I felt like I'm being propelled back and forth through time too often than necessary.

- Too many characters. Too much stuff going on. Too many complications. Too many pages. Too many information sometimes. I had to go back a few pages (and sometimes, chapters) just to remember who the hell these people are and what the hell's happening. More often than not, I still didn't get it. I don't think I understood anything at all.

- I find it extremely boring. I fought the urge to quit reading it too many a time. But I finished it, still; I desperately wanted to find something that would make me like this book, because I genuinely felt there was something to like. Well, 408 pages later, I found nothing. Aside from Maximillian, which was the only character I truly liked, loved even. I'm torn between liking Kasper and dismissing him as just "okay."

- When I was reading the book, I decided that this would fall to the okay-i-have-to-read-this-again-some-time-maybe-i'll-appreciate-it-by-then pile but that changed even before I was done. I never wanted to discard a book even if I didn't like it much but this one, I don't know. I just feel extremely dumb because of it, feel like it ruined my life. HAHAHAHA. Kidding aside, there's a part of me that seriously wants to get rid of the book.

I rarely do this because I'm not good at making reviews, I just felt like I had to let this out somehow, somewhere. Haha. Forgive me for rambling.

my Goodreads rating: 1 star

Maniac, who?

My favorite Booksale branch is the one closest to where I live and the one I frequent the most. From this branch I bought my omg-i-found-one books: The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen, A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby, and The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. I'm currently eyeing an LOTR trilogy boxed set and a photography book from the same branch.

The thrill of looking at, looking for, and buying books have surpassed the thrill of actually reading them. And when I'm not buying books, I usually scour the internet for book recommendations and reviews, lurking mostly on blogs I recently discovered.

Is that bad? I don't really think so. But I guess I should allot as much time and energy on reading as I do on this current book-hunting and buying frenzy. (Which I obviously do not.)

A few things: I have poor eyesight but my eyes are extremely fast in "locating" familiar titles/authors. I rummage like a maniac. I sometimes go to a particular Booksale branch for days in a row. I still end up buying books even if I forbid myself to even go to bookstores.


I'm turning vicious, folks. Better call the doctor.

Heading out with Peter Høeg

Yep, I bought another secondhand book. Two books, but B offered to pay for the other. Heehee. I brought it along yesterday but sadly, I never took it out of my bag. No time to read, although I thought there would be. I started reading it when I got home.

I'm currently on the 12th chapter of Part One. It's a bit of a pain to read, in my opinion. It's tedious and sometimes very confusing. I am constantly tempted to pick up another book. I got a lot of nice quotes, though. Still hoping that this would turn out to be a good read.

How are you?

That's about it. How about you?

Clumsy

I make for the door
I stumble, I fall


_____

Supposed to be a haiku, but I can't think of anything more to add. Yeah

Booksale* addiction

As I surveyed my recent book purchases, I realized something: I'm forming a Booksale addiction.

I don't frequent Booksale in the past as I never see familiar books (other than the usual Grisham, Steel, Roberts...) or books I wanted to buy there. Recently though, I've been buying a lot of never-heard books and see myself rummaging through every nook and cranny of the store, hoping to find a treasure.

Four weeks and three Booksale branches later, here are the stuff I accumulated:

The hardcovers (top to bottom):

• The Natural History of Uncas Metcalfe by Betsey Osborne
• The Mercury Visions of Louis Daguerre by Dominic Smith
• The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling
• Saint Mudd by Steve Thayer
• Dinosaurs on the Roof by David Rabe

The paperbacks (top to bottom):

• Balcony People by Joyce Landorf Heatherley
• Grayson by Lynn Cox
• The Girl in the Glass by Jeffrey Ford
• A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby
• The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
• The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen
• The Best American Mystery Stories 2005 edited by Joyce Carol Oates
• The Soul Catcher by Michael White

Oh my, thirteen books! Nomnomnom. Done with The Soul Catcher and The Kite Runner. I have a looong way to go before I finish them all.

These are the gems of the pile :>

Currently reading: Dinosaurs on the Roof, Saint Mudd, and The Best American Mystery Stories

__________

*Booksale is a used books store chain in the Philippines, with items varying from references to children's books, coffee table to medical ones, classics to bestsellers. They also carry new and back issues of local and international/foreign magazines.

Can't. Resist. Noooo.

 (I hear Alanis in my head singing Hand In My Pocket but with the words: I'm sick but I'm blogging, I'm broke but I'm buying books...)

Another trip to two Booksale branches yielded these lovely purchases: The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling, The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen, and The Best American Mystery Stories edited by Joyce Carol Oates. Maybe you're thinking "hey, I thought you were broke." I am. I only paid for one of those ;) Tip: If you don't have cash to shell out, bring someone with you who's willing to pay for you. HAHAHA. I feel so lucky to have found The Corrections!

Now, I know these aren't on my to-buy list, but I have my reasons or... "this is me, trying to justify my purchases." Really though, these are true:

• I want to buy more short story/essay collections/anthologies. I really like Like the Flowing River by Paulo Coelho and I think that's the book I've re-read the most. I thought I wouldn't be fine with such format at first, but it quite appealed to me.
• I want to buy books of certain authors I've come to know through blogs/websites I frequent or stumbled upon. These include: Michael Chabon, Jonathan Franzen, Jonathan Safran Foer, Amy Bloom, Anne Carson, John Green (WANT Looking for Alaska), and (more of) Nick Hornby, whose novel A Long Way Down (which I meant to buy for the longest time) I was able to buy secondhand last month. Yay for inexpensive books!
• As for The Jungle Book hahahaha... I dunno. I've always liked children's books, and I used to watch this on TV when I was younger. I. Couldn't. Resist. I almost shrieked when I saw it. I was more excited than when I saw Franzen's book (during which my eyes widened) hahaha.

Yep. Three more added to the reading stack!

Dear Self--

Just to remind you and practically shove this to your face: You need to get a job. NOW.
Why? Lemme give you some extremely important points.

Point 1: How would you get them film rolls processed? And in case you haven't noticed yet, they're already collecting dust.

Point 1.1: Also, you only have two rolls left in your film "stash." If cameras were living things, yours would be dead very very soon.

Point 2: How would you have this treasure your sister unearthed repaired?

Point 2.2: If the camera in point 2 deems irreparable, how would you purchase a rangefinder, which you said you want to give yourself for Christmas?

Point 3: How will you buy all them books you've listed and updated obsessively? With your current state, you won't even have enough money to buy a secondhand book.

And Point 4, and this I think is the most important of all: How would you pay for your phone bills? Remember, your debt is rapidly accumulating.

So, self, have I convinced you yet? Ye lazy slug.

Hello there, dirty camera

I'll have you checked and CLA'd some time, yes?

My sister unearthed this from my uncle's pile of junk. She wants it for herself, but she's not willing to pay for repairs and all. So, it's mine now. Yezzz. If this can't be repaired, then that's fine. I'll keep it still :>

I didn't think there were rangefinders this big; it's bigger than my SR-T! And I don't know if I'm just imagining it, but it seems heavier too. But hey, if it works, then lucky me!

The struggle

The more I try to ignore this budding feeling,
the more I fall for you

The more I avoid looking into your eyes,
the more I see through you

And as I try to drown these crazy thoughts,
my heart says "I love you"

ICU

Eyes gaze up, eyes meet
Trying hard to look away
Frozen by your stare

Duet

Sing me a love song
And I'll sing you another
Our hearts a-flutter

Moving on with the reading

After almost two days of rest from reading, I finally chose what book to read next. And the winner is:

Steve Thayer's Saint Mudd with my awkward self trying to do a bookface. Apparently, the book's a bit too big. So this picture is more like I'm hiding behind the book. Heh. Oh well.

I've never successfully read two books side by side, but I will make another attempt. Will also be reading David Rabe's Dinosaurs on the Roof.

P.S. My grandmother came out of their room right after I took this photo. Said that I should be looking for a job instead of whatever it is I'm doing. I agree and disagree at the same time.

Unwanted

I cling to your arm
Hoping you would feel my warmth
You push me away

Unfamiliar

When did my touch start to feel foreign?

Is it after we've been apart for so long,

Or when you realized your love for me is gone?

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

The story's so good, I can't even put it into words. I really love this book, especially the first half of it. I finished it in four days, not remarkable, but I'm glad I didn't rush it. Also, I didn't pick up another book yesterday, which gave me more time to think about the story (and stay glued to my laptop most of the day haha). Sometimes it feels good to let the story seep in and the words linger in your head before moving on to another. Later perhaps? :)

Thoughts on The Kite Runner (spoiler!):

• The way in which the characters' personalities are presented is really good. I especially loved how Ali and Hassan are presented in the story, and their respective roles. I love their loyalty, their innate goodness, their honesty. Needless to say, they are my favorites.
• I didn't like Amir in most parts of the story, but that's just me. And though I dislike him, some of his actions are acceptable, even if it means mistreatment of Hassan. It is only natural for people especially children to feel jealous. It only turned ugly after the kite running incident.
• Assef makes me sick.
• I like the twist in the story of Hassan's identity, and the way it was revealed. 
• I didn't give much thought about Amir's father at first, but I appreciated and learned to like his character as the story progressed. I especially liked how he responded to Ali and Hassan's decision to leave. It shows the vulnerability of an otherwise (and usually) tough character.
• I hate how all the characters I liked died, and the fact that they did. But I love the story nonetheless.
• Again, Assef makes me sick.
• I was sooo happy how Sohrab "avenged" Hassan, without him knowing it! Haha. Assef deserves much more than that!
• The ending was just...okay. It doesn't change the fact that I love the book, though.
• I would definitely read this book again some time!

Okaaay! Now on to the next book. Which will it be?

• Grayson by Lynne Cox
• Girl in the Glass by Jeffrey Ford
• Saint Mudd by Steve Thayer
• The Natural History of Uncas Metcalfe by Betsey Osborne

Droplets of letters

On rainy days such as today, I am constantly reminded of a particular verse I made years ago. It was my very first thought as I opened my eyes one morning. As you have probably guessed, it was raining that day.

The rain keeps on pouring
My tears keep on falling
And like raindrops from the sky,
Pieces of me come crashing to the ground


Emo days, if you will.

After the break (fictional)

I've been single for three months now, after four years of being with someone. This is the first time I’ll be sharing about the relationship and, ironically, it’s the end of it.

It’s been three months, and I’m more devastated than I had let on (at least I know I should be). Wait, that’s not quite accurate. Truth is, I carried on day by day like I normally would—minus the sweet messages, frequent calls, regular dates… Well, you get the picture. I never shed a tear. Not even once. As if the moment you said it’s over, all emotions went down the drain. All I even mustered to say was a measly “okay.”

The universe decided today would be different, heck of a lot different, if I say so myself. I had a dream. It was the sweetest dream. Like the summary of those four wonderful years. Our friendship. Our courtship. Our relationship. Our breakup. And just like that, it turned into a nightmare.

I woke up feeling tears trickling down the side of my face. I heard myself sniff. Once. Twice. Next thing I know, I was bawling. Almost screaming. It’s been three damned months. This is the first time I’ve shown emotion—real ones. Delayed reaction at its best. I felt raw, bare. As if even the slightest touch would mar me, and leave a scar I would forever live with.

At that moment, I knew everything would change. Have I been subconsciously pretending all this time? Have I been purposefully delaying acknowledging the pain? I can’t quite grasp the reality of all this, of both the breakup and my lack of “proper” response (if there’s even such a thing). All I know now (and somehow I’m glad I do) is that I’m bursting at the seams, and I can’t hold on much longer.


This marks the beginning of my grieving.


_____

Because I cannot sleep last night.