It's that time of the year again

One year has again been added to my years of existence. I have just finished saying thank-you's to those who have greeted me over at facebook. It surprises me how a lot of people that I've never even talked to took a second of their day to type "happy birthday" on my wall. Honestly, I've always felt awkward and uncomfortable answering these posts, especially face-to-face greetings even from friends and family. Like I feel embarrassed that they know my birthday, even if only through facebook. I'm weird like that. But I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

So, 23. How does it feel to be one year older? Honestly, I cannot believe that I'm this old already. Perhaps it's because nothing remarkable or even slightly of note has happened in those first few years of adulthood. Wait, that seems a bit off. I don't feel like an adult. I am far from acting like one, no question about that. Let's just say I feel like I wasted my "youth," those glorious early 20's (and late teens) that were supposed to be the best times of our lives. It's over. But hey, 23 is still considered to be in the early 20's, right? Right?? So maybe, it still isn't quite over yet. I have a year to change that. Or maybe not.

I can't seem to grasp the idea that I'm way past 20. Why 20, you ask? Nothing. It's like the last age I remember myself being, for no particular reason. This seems shallow and stupid, but I kind of believed I could never be older than that. Not that I would die at that age, but that I'm incapable of moving past that age. that I'll be forever 20. (Good thing I didn't say 21, else that last sentence would've sound... too commercial haha.) Just to add to this line of thought, at some point, I also thought I'd never live past high school (this falls under the I'd-die-at-this age kind). While in college, I thought I'd never live past that as well (a mix of both kinds). See the trend here?

So to go back to that how-do-I-feel question: I feel sad, really. I never thought that I would be "someone" by this time, but I never thought I would be like this either. Not nobody, that sounds too emo, but this. Just this.

At this point, I've mostly already lost track of my thoughts, so I'll try to end this now. Not what anyone would expect for a birthday post, no? Most people would talk of happy things and be thankful for so many stuff. I wish I could have done that, because I could. I really could. But I just wanted this to be one thing, and that is honest. And it is.


Happy birthday to me. :)

Today I drank 3.5 mugs of coffee

Because sometimes I like to torture myself like that

Back so soon?

We've only returned to Manila this morning and already, we're contemplating on going back to the province. Possible for me, since I have free time.

I have finished the two rolls I brought for the trip and I'm crossing my fingers that they will turn out fine. My sister forgot to take pictures of the windmills on our digital camera, which is very unfortunate. I have taken a few on my SLR, so I'm really excited to see the shots. I have this annoying habit of spending my money down to the last centavo, so I think I'll send 'em rolls to the lab next week. This, even though I'll practically be penniless again in less than a month.

Meanwhile, here are some digital shots from our short but sweet vacation:

Puttot River, Pasuquin, Ilocos Norte

Somewhere between Pasuquin and Pagudpud (taken from a moving bus)

Absolutely love the sky!

Pagudpud, Ilocos Norte

The waves are calling.

To the North

We're finally off to the north today; bus is leaving at 10:30 in the evening. It's hard to imagine it's been more or less six years since my last visit. Actually, we've been planning seriously to go this summer, but we never thought something like this would come up. Our two-week stay would definitely be not enough to make up for lost time, especially because of what happened.

As much as it hurts to think that we're going primarily to attend the wake and burial of my grandma, I can't help but get excited to see my relatives again, albeit one less familiar face. I'm slowly preparing myself for the emotional stress I would be experiencing in the days to come. You see, it's been more than a week, and still I haven't properly mourned. I only cried once, on my way to work, when my sister broke the news to me. I can feel the tears building up inside me, ready to explode at any given time. It sure feels like I lost my mother twice. *sigh*

On a lighter note, I will be bringing my SLR with me, and bought two rolls of film for this trip. Uh-huh, two more rolls to be added to my pile of unprocessed film. According to my exposure log, I last loaded my camera in October of last year. What a loser. Pray I still know how to use my SLR. Hopefully, I'd be able to snap some nice photos.

With my older sister, way back in good 'ol '93

See you soon, Ilocos.

I want to go back to school. That may not be the best way to go because I want to try a few different things:
-I'd like to take Anthropology/Sociology/Psychology, which is quite weird knowing how anti-social, shy, and introverted I am. I don't think there's short courses available for these fields. You know, just to try and see if you'd like to pursue a career in any of these or if it's for you.
-I'd like to go into Linguistics again, which is my first course (for a full week, before I hit my head and everything went crazy). I'd like to do translation work. Learn a handful of foreign languages. The good thing about learning other languages is that you can be self-taught or take up lessons. But I want to be able to go all technical about at least one. Hence, the longing to take up Linguistics.

It's frightening to post such personal thoughts here, knowing that these inclinations may vanish all too soon. I remember posting an entry (just a few months back) talking about how I wanted to study again, and looking back, I don't think I feel the same about the degree I was thinking of taking up (CommArts/MassCom), but still considering. What scares me more than not knowing for sure what I want is the fact that by no means can I go back to school anytime soon. Maybe not even after 5 years. Family duty, if ye know what I mean.

I've been miserable for who knows how long, I don't even remember feeling otherwise. I just don't know what to do anymore.

When you have the best father in the world and a perfectly adorable stepmother, life gets better and better doesn't it?

When you've got the opposite of both, though, what then?

Lately

- Finally done with Austen's Emma, after more than a week (more or less) of struggling to finish it.
- Mind is full of family-related issues.
- Work, or lack thereof. I don't know how I can still be so choosy at this point. Or useless. Or worthless. With all the fuss about money and my siblings' schooling, how can I still be here? So freakin' stagnant. I have yet to encounter something to motivate me.
- Allergies. Every single friggin' type of allergies I have.

No pleasant stuff on this part of the intarnets. Sorry.

The one who has no dreams (still)

Is it possible for a person to have no dreams? No personal goals? No life plans?
I don’t know what I want to be.
I don’t know where I want to be.
I don’t know who I want to be.
Just what the hell am I going to do with my life?

. . .

Those are the opening lines of an entry in my old blog dated August of last year. I've been able to catch up with a friend these past few days and since we've already both graduated from college, talks about what we wanted to do came up.

She wants to study IT, and have already processed some papers. That's another three or four years but her parents don't mind so all's good. It's quite far from her first course (i.e., tourism), and just as far from the flying course she took afterwards. And while she's preparing for this IT venture, she's looking into visa applications for Australia. She says she wants to live there someday and probably study, too. I admire her for being interested in a lot of things, being very talented and an academic achiever, and good at whatever she does. She's determined to pursue her dreams (and she claims to have a long list), and that's great. I am genuinely happy for her.

Naturally, we talked about myself as well. What I wanted, my dreams, goals, and such. I have none. Five months after I first declared to the world wide web that I am a "dreamless" creature, here I am, reminding the interwebs of the existence of one such earthling.

She says it's impossible to not have even one dream. There's got to be something I wish to be, or have. She told me to ask myself, to find out once and for all what dreams lie dead in my heart and mind. I've done it a million times. And believe me when I say I truly, genuinely want to know. I still don't.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: It scares the hell out of me. It's like I'm walking in the woods, which never seems to be penetrated by the sun's light, never knowing which way to go.

I just hope and pray I'll be able to get past this dreamless phase. Because I would very much like to have dreams of my own. Then maybe, just maybe, I would chance upon a path where I can aim my anxious gaze.

The year that was

Noteworthy happenings of 2011:
- A first, on the first (January)
- A celebration (February)
- Finished college (March)
- Bought my first film camera: a Bell+Howell BF35, 35mm toy camera (April)
- Bought my first SLR: a Minolta SR-T 101b (June)
- Started buying a lot of secondhand books a.k.a. the time when I developed a Booksale addiction (September)

Blah moments:
- I'm still unemployed (ugh)
- Although it's the year I got started on film photography, or photography in general, I haven't been taking photos as much as I hoped and thought I would. Unemployment is one contributing factor. Also, I tend to take photos of the same things over and over as I don't really go out much. I have a total of seven rolls of film waiting to be processed.
- I only started reading profusely by mid-year
- Started some things that were never updated or continued
- I had so much time to do a lot of different things (both old and new) and yet I didn't really accomplish anything

All in all, 2011 seems to be a "hibernation" year. It's a shame I never really "went out" or did something new, different, or worthwhile. I mostly stayed home, read, stayed long hours on the interwebs almost daily... I won't be able to have this much time once I start working and yet, this. It's... a bit sad.

Oh, well. Let's make 2012 a more fruitful year, shall we? :)

Just a realization (a.k.a. oh, I'm reminded yet again that...)

I am such an awkward being.

It's nice to be inspired once in a while by, say, something you read over the internet. Especially when it brushes your own reality. One thing I lack though, and sadly, the most important thing, is the motivation to act on that inspiration.

...

I have a few things to blog about and another handful of drafts I have no idea if I'll ever get to finish (or, more appropriately, start).

Sometimes I wish time would just stop, or I could vanish, be invisible, anything to make things stop, make mouths shut up, make things frozen in place.

Sometimes I wish I could be somebody else, be some place besides where I am now, doing and being able to do some other things.

Sometimes I wish I would be in a state where I won't be wishing such things.

Small things to smile about

1. preparing grahams cake at 3am
2. slicing peaches thinly and not cutting yourself
3. small gatherings
4. cute babies/kids
5. homemade food (yum!)
6. stuffing your face without a care in the world
7. the golden hour
8. taking pictures of sunlight seeping through the windows
9. reading and enjoying a never-heard book that you impulsively bought
10. learning something new in Photoshop (heh)

ETA:  11. funny kitty videos on YouTube

Eternal daydreamer

Always dreaming and daydreaming of:

doing something awesome
writing something great
saying something important
making beautiful things
capturing magical moments

For now, I can only dream.

Birth days and birth mothers

If my mother's still here with us, she would've been 53 years young (heh) today. But she isn't, and she'll remain 40 forever. People always said she was still so young. For the eight-year-old me, 40 was a bit old. But looking at my younger siblings, and how young they (actually, all of us) were, perhaps they're right. Of course they are.

Thirteen years, oh my. I can still recall the day I last saw her breathing: she was sleeping peacefully, albeit a bit noisily. There wouldn't be anything wrong with it, except that she wouldn't wake up. Long story short, she was brought to the hospital and after a few days, my father talked to us, one at a time. Looking back now, I wonder what he told the younger ones. What could he possibly say to a three- and one-year-old?

I always think about how our lives would've been different if she were still here. I know it would be different. For starters, I would probably still be living in our house. (I now live in my grandma's house, as with my older sister.)

She would quite possibly cry when she learns about my winning first place in a quiz bee, or when I graduated high school with honors, or when I got accepted in the country's top university, as she had when I won first place in a spelling bee waaaaaay back. Which is a bit embarrassing actually, especially because she was there, watching.

What would she say when she learns I withdrew from the university? Would she say the same words my father told me? I probably won't even have the chance to entertain the thought of withdrawing. What would she say about my transferring to a college I didn't even like, taking up a course I couldn't care less about? Would she roll her eyes? Scold me? And what would she do, when she learns I didn't graduate on time? And how about when I did graduate, finally?

All these questions, and a whole lot more remains and will always be unanswered.

I feel weird sometimes how when I feel bad about my life and myself, I think about how she can make things different from the way they are. You know, that mothers fix things and makes things better for their children. It's childish and selfish thinking, but totally normal, if you'd ask me. And when good things happen, I would also think of what she would have to say about it.

Thank God for pictures, I can always be reminded of how she looked like. I can't remember much about her, though. How she moves, how she talks, how her touch feels, her habits and mannerisms, if any. Most especially, her voice. That's the saddest part of losing someone, I guess--forgetting.

This is pretty much a messy post, forgive me. I'm just throwing thought after thought without any care about cohesion and all that. I'll just end this with something I wrote for and about her, and mothers in general. B, here it is yet again hahaha--

Do not forget the face of your mother, for she was the one who bore you, all nine months of your pre-natal development.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for she is the one who first held you, with the love you will never get from anyone else, not even a lover.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for each time you get yourself hurt, wounded, and weakened, her pain is ten times more than yours.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for whatever you do or become, rest assured that she will love you no matter what other people say.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for she trusts and believes in you more than anyone else, yourself included.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for when the world turns its back on you, not only will she remain by your side, she will move mountains just so you can experience the world again.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for every time your heart breaks, deep inside she dies.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for even if you give up on yourself, never will she think of giving up on you.
Do not forget the face of your mother, for she will never, ever forget you.

I love you Mama. I will always miss you and think about you. Happy birthday! :)

Seconds, please

I've always thought of taking up a second course even before I graduated but this is the first time I seriously consider pushing through with it.

I've been restless. God, I've been restless for as long as I can remember (well, around five+ years and counting). I won't go into detail about that anymore, as I've already done so profusely in previous blogs. I have this feeling of discontent. As if I know nothing and I have nowhere to go, no direction and clear paths to follow.

As much as I like to study again, I know that I can't for, you know, certain reasons. No, I'm not 100% sure if the course I want to take is the right one. But it's the closest to whatever it is that I want, or at least I believe I want. The thing is, I'm pretty much willing to take that risk. I'm not known for taking risks, fact is, I'm scared as hell with the whole business of taking risks and facing changes. So I guess it's a big thing, or at least worth noting that this time, I think I can. Funny how when your mind's (partially) made up about something, you can't really push through and act upon it.


Mistake upon mistake . . .


I know I have to make do with what I have. This is where I am now, and I can't go back, I can only move forward. I'm just tired with this feeling. And no, you can't really shut out these so-called feelings (at least I can't), you can only cover them up. It's freaking me out, how when I finally have something I think can make things different, and hopefully better, there's really no way of going on with it.

How are you?

That's about it. How about you?

Dear Self--

Just to remind you and practically shove this to your face: You need to get a job. NOW.
Why? Lemme give you some extremely important points.

Point 1: How would you get them film rolls processed? And in case you haven't noticed yet, they're already collecting dust.

Point 1.1: Also, you only have two rolls left in your film "stash." If cameras were living things, yours would be dead very very soon.

Point 2: How would you have this treasure your sister unearthed repaired?

Point 2.2: If the camera in point 2 deems irreparable, how would you purchase a rangefinder, which you said you want to give yourself for Christmas?

Point 3: How will you buy all them books you've listed and updated obsessively? With your current state, you won't even have enough money to buy a secondhand book.

And Point 4, and this I think is the most important of all: How would you pay for your phone bills? Remember, your debt is rapidly accumulating.

So, self, have I convinced you yet? Ye lazy slug.