You live in the face of strangers

I don't know if the fact that I see a lot of people who resemble you is a good thing or not. I'm not even sure if  I can trust my eyes, given that I don't have 20/20 vision.

Sometimes I think I'm just subconsciously (and yet, willfully) torturing myself. And, just to be honest, I think I prefer it this way. It makes me think about and remember you more.

I have yet to encounter someone who sounds like you. It's hard to admit that I'm very close to forgetting your voice entirely. I just wish that if I ever hear someone who's a close match, I'd recognize you in her. I want to remember.

It's that time of the year again

One year has again been added to my years of existence. I have just finished saying thank-you's to those who have greeted me over at facebook. It surprises me how a lot of people that I've never even talked to took a second of their day to type "happy birthday" on my wall. Honestly, I've always felt awkward and uncomfortable answering these posts, especially face-to-face greetings even from friends and family. Like I feel embarrassed that they know my birthday, even if only through facebook. I'm weird like that. But I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

So, 23. How does it feel to be one year older? Honestly, I cannot believe that I'm this old already. Perhaps it's because nothing remarkable or even slightly of note has happened in those first few years of adulthood. Wait, that seems a bit off. I don't feel like an adult. I am far from acting like one, no question about that. Let's just say I feel like I wasted my "youth," those glorious early 20's (and late teens) that were supposed to be the best times of our lives. It's over. But hey, 23 is still considered to be in the early 20's, right? Right?? So maybe, it still isn't quite over yet. I have a year to change that. Or maybe not.

I can't seem to grasp the idea that I'm way past 20. Why 20, you ask? Nothing. It's like the last age I remember myself being, for no particular reason. This seems shallow and stupid, but I kind of believed I could never be older than that. Not that I would die at that age, but that I'm incapable of moving past that age. that I'll be forever 20. (Good thing I didn't say 21, else that last sentence would've sound... too commercial haha.) Just to add to this line of thought, at some point, I also thought I'd never live past high school (this falls under the I'd-die-at-this age kind). While in college, I thought I'd never live past that as well (a mix of both kinds). See the trend here?

So to go back to that how-do-I-feel question: I feel sad, really. I never thought that I would be "someone" by this time, but I never thought I would be like this either. Not nobody, that sounds too emo, but this. Just this.

At this point, I've mostly already lost track of my thoughts, so I'll try to end this now. Not what anyone would expect for a birthday post, no? Most people would talk of happy things and be thankful for so many stuff. I wish I could have done that, because I could. I really could. But I just wanted this to be one thing, and that is honest. And it is.


Happy birthday to me. :)

Hey Ma

I miss my mom. These past few days (or weeks) I've been constantly imagining coming up to and hugging her. I don't know. It sucks. Sucks that I can't do it, not the fact that I imagine cheesy stuff. Heh.


I log on once in a while and post super random posts like this. I am a good blogger. You should be proud.

It is so much easier to remain stagnant, so much easier to daydream.

But easier doesn't necessarily mean better.

Lazy ass can't remember

It was past 2am and I can't sleep. Nothing unusual about that.
I thought of a line, a very catchy line.
One to use for a future project?
One to use for the blog?
I can't remember. All I know is it's something you can only probably think of once.
I fought the urge to take note of it out of fear of losing the desire to sleep.
I'll write it down later in the day, I thought to myself, confident I'll be able to remember.
But I can't. I always can't. Hell, I know it even before I decided to just close my eyes and lull myself to sleep.

I regret it every single time.

Today I drank 3.5 mugs of coffee

Because sometimes I like to torture myself like that

Fast eyes are fast!

As I lay on my bed earlier today, I realized that I have quite a handful of unread books in my possession. According to my blog, I've last purchased books last March. That's something to be proud of as I tend to hoard. Thus, my to-be-read pile. So I said to myself that I won't be buying any book anytime soon. Luckily enough, I really don't feel any inclination to visit bookstores lately.

But I guess the universe does not approve. A few hours after my no-book-buying declaration, this came into possession:

I swear I had no plans of buying any book today.

 B idly surveyed the merchandise at a book kiosk at the mall while talking on her mobile phone. I actually found it funny that we stopped there as she's not a book person. And since I'm in a no-book-buying mode, I didn't really pay attention to the books on display. Little did I know, the universe's laughing loudly behind my back. 'Coz you know what? It only took one look, one look... You know what happened next.

I don't regret it though, for it's secondhand. And I don't really see this title in any other bookstore, so yes, there wasn't any room for hesitation. Say hello to your new recruit, TBR pile! Woo-hoo!

Point and Shoot

I've been restless ever since we got back from Ilocos. Having a taste of a mini adventure ticked something inside me. I WANT MORE. It also made me want to get a waterproof camera. I have posted pictures from our trip on my previous entry, but it didn't show any from the underground cave. It's not that my battery ran out or the memory card's full, it's because I was afraid to use my camera there. Which is perfectly sensible.

I have also observed that as time goes by, I'm leaning towards high-quality compact cameras more and more and rethinking why I wanted a DSLR for so long. Sure, it's definitely more versatile and all that, but do I need these extra features? Currently, no. Plus, it's inconvenient to lug around especially when you're traversing a rocky trail (which are slippery more often than not) and walking through streams and such. I want something I could use and carry anywhere and everywhere. So now I'm on a hunt for the perfect companion.

I have actually already found the one. I present to you the Sony Cyber-shot TX20:

Model Highlights: Certified waterproof, dustproof and shockproof, 16.2-megapixel Exmor® R CMOS sensor, Full HD 1080/60i video, dual record of photos and videos, up to 10fps, 3.0" touch screen


Or its pricier brother, the TX200V:

Model Highlights: 18.2 megapixels, certified waterproof and dustproof, 3.3" OLED touch screen, Full HD 1080/60p video, high speed AF, up to 10 fps, Clear Image Zoom, Optical SteadyShot™ with Active Mode


Would be thrilled to own an orange TX20! I know I won't be needing this until our next vacation (which is probably on December), but I just can't help lusting over it! The only problem is that I don't have the moolah right now. So yes, will be dreaming of you 'til then.

Anybody want to sponsor my purchase? Hee-hee.


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Images and info from Sony website

Back so soon?

We've only returned to Manila this morning and already, we're contemplating on going back to the province. Possible for me, since I have free time.

I have finished the two rolls I brought for the trip and I'm crossing my fingers that they will turn out fine. My sister forgot to take pictures of the windmills on our digital camera, which is very unfortunate. I have taken a few on my SLR, so I'm really excited to see the shots. I have this annoying habit of spending my money down to the last centavo, so I think I'll send 'em rolls to the lab next week. This, even though I'll practically be penniless again in less than a month.

Meanwhile, here are some digital shots from our short but sweet vacation:

Puttot River, Pasuquin, Ilocos Norte

Somewhere between Pasuquin and Pagudpud (taken from a moving bus)

Absolutely love the sky!

Pagudpud, Ilocos Norte

The waves are calling.

To the North

We're finally off to the north today; bus is leaving at 10:30 in the evening. It's hard to imagine it's been more or less six years since my last visit. Actually, we've been planning seriously to go this summer, but we never thought something like this would come up. Our two-week stay would definitely be not enough to make up for lost time, especially because of what happened.

As much as it hurts to think that we're going primarily to attend the wake and burial of my grandma, I can't help but get excited to see my relatives again, albeit one less familiar face. I'm slowly preparing myself for the emotional stress I would be experiencing in the days to come. You see, it's been more than a week, and still I haven't properly mourned. I only cried once, on my way to work, when my sister broke the news to me. I can feel the tears building up inside me, ready to explode at any given time. It sure feels like I lost my mother twice. *sigh*

On a lighter note, I will be bringing my SLR with me, and bought two rolls of film for this trip. Uh-huh, two more rolls to be added to my pile of unprocessed film. According to my exposure log, I last loaded my camera in October of last year. What a loser. Pray I still know how to use my SLR. Hopefully, I'd be able to snap some nice photos.

With my older sister, way back in good 'ol '93

See you soon, Ilocos.

Another goodbye

How does it feel like to lose your mother twice?

Lola, Jonan, Ate, Iyna, Mama, me

Dear Lola,

I wish I could write you a proper tribute. I wish I'm as eloquent as I want to be. I wish I could just pour out my feelings and type what's on my mind. Moreover, I wish we had a proper picture, just you and I.

But I can't. And we don't.

So, let me just say that I love you. And that we would all miss you. I'm glad that, finally, you would be reunited with Mama. Because I know, more than anyone else, it was you who were hurt the most when she died. And Lolo wouldn't need to wait any longer, for he can now hold you in his arms again.

Please watch over us, and continue to guide all of us who love you.

Lola/Nang, you will always be remembered.

Your Apo,
Kat-Kat

Don't judge a gift by its wrapper

Yesterday, I received a gift from B wrapped in newspaper. Exit the newspaper, the gift is wrapped in a brown paper bag. Exit the brown paper bag, the gift is wrapped in another brown paper bag.

Under three layers of wrapper is this (!!!!):

Minus the puppy, of course.

I am a big fan of Inhae Lee's My Milk Toof, along with my sister and B. Just imagine how I reacted upon seeing this! Naturally, I breezed through the pages as soon as I arrived home. So so so...yummy.

And that is all.

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Lately, I've been losing the desire to blog. But this is one thing I certainly must post, regardless of the crappy composition. Hope this week gets better. Please.

I was pretty certain February will end without any new happenings on this part of ze intarwebz but I just have to post this.

You see, I've been re-watching a lot of movies because I'm bored (as always). Yesterday's flicks were The Dark Knight and Batman Begins, among others. In the latter, I was surprised to see a familiar face:

 

Batman Begins was in 2005. That little boy with the cute accent is now this annoying brat I so want to punch in the face and kick in the... yeah.

It just amuses me to see actors (from when they were younger or starting out in the biz) in movies I've previously watched but haven't taken notice of until I saw them in "bigger" roles and remember them, or recognize them when I watch the movie again.

And yes, that is all.

I want to go back to school. That may not be the best way to go because I want to try a few different things:
-I'd like to take Anthropology/Sociology/Psychology, which is quite weird knowing how anti-social, shy, and introverted I am. I don't think there's short courses available for these fields. You know, just to try and see if you'd like to pursue a career in any of these or if it's for you.
-I'd like to go into Linguistics again, which is my first course (for a full week, before I hit my head and everything went crazy). I'd like to do translation work. Learn a handful of foreign languages. The good thing about learning other languages is that you can be self-taught or take up lessons. But I want to be able to go all technical about at least one. Hence, the longing to take up Linguistics.

It's frightening to post such personal thoughts here, knowing that these inclinations may vanish all too soon. I remember posting an entry (just a few months back) talking about how I wanted to study again, and looking back, I don't think I feel the same about the degree I was thinking of taking up (CommArts/MassCom), but still considering. What scares me more than not knowing for sure what I want is the fact that by no means can I go back to school anytime soon. Maybe not even after 5 years. Family duty, if ye know what I mean.

I've been miserable for who knows how long, I don't even remember feeling otherwise. I just don't know what to do anymore.

When you have the best father in the world and a perfectly adorable stepmother, life gets better and better doesn't it?

When you've got the opposite of both, though, what then?

Just read.

Read.
Read books old and new. Read books obsolete and mainstream.
Read books from fiction to non-fiction, from children's to memoirs. Have a taste of different genres.
Read good books. A whole lot of 'em.
Read bad books. Hopefully not as much. And when you come across a book you deem to be worse than the last bad book you held, think about how it'll make you appreciate the good stuff more.
And then read even more good books. Read fantastic ones.
Choose several favorites. You can never have JUST ONE. Today you may prefer this, tomorrow another. Yesterday's favorite may not even be one of those.
Read. I beg you.
Just read.

--note to self

. . .

Buying or not, I almost always stop by bookshops whenever I'm at the mall. It feels nice going through the aisles, looking for new titles to add on my list, touching books big and small, looking at the covers, checking the availability of items from my list etc. Lately though, I've been feeling a little guilty of my book expenditures. Don't hate me, but I feel like it's been more of an extravagance on my side, especially because I'm unemployed. It's like a sin. I don't need it yet I've been emptying out my wallet just to take home that shiny (really?) book or that one which randomly caught my eye. Secondhand shops doesn't make much of a difference since I tend to always hoard.

But, still, I buy. That guilty feeling doesn't have much effect on me so you're free to give me a pat on the back. Who can possibly stop buying books? I mean, seriously. And why deprive yourself of something that makes you happy? So long as you don't go overboard (walking home from EDSA going south; fasting for one week), then you're fine. AND HAPPY. So, you know. JUST KEEP READING. (to the tune of Dory's "Just keep swimming")

Flying books and reeling words

Don't you just love Vimeo? It's impossible not to like (or even love) 4 out of 5 random videos you view. I saw this video, however, from a blog over at Tumblr. I'm so glad I found it.

Inspired, in equal measures, by Hurricane Katrina, Buster Keaton, The Wizard of Oz, and a love for books, “Morris Lessmore” is a story of people who devote their lives to books and books who return the favor. Morris Lessmore is a poignant, humorous allegory about the curative powers of story. Using a variety of techniques (miniatures, computer animation, 2D animation) award winning author/ illustrator William Joyce and Co-director Brandon Oldenburg present a new narrative experience that harkens back to silent films and M-G-M Technicolor musicals. “Morris Lessmore” is old fashioned and cutting edge at the same time.

“The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore” is one of five animated short films that will be considered for outstanding film achievements of 2011 in the 84th Academy Awards ®.
Film Awards Won by “The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore”
To date, “The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore” film has drummed up fans all over the world taking home the following awards:
· Cinequest Film Fest: Best Animated Short
· Palm Springs International ShortFest: Audience Favorite Award
· SIGGRAPH: Best in Show

I have not much to say aside from THIS IS GUHREEEAAT and IT ALMOST MADE ME CRY. Book lover or not, I'm certain that you'll like this as much as I did, maybe less, maybe more, THE POINT IS YOU WILL LIKE IT. Get it? Now watch.

Bill, what's happening out on the street today?

I've been seeing raves about the documentary Bill Cunningham New York and, though I had no idea who he is or what he does (that is, before I saw them blog posts), decided to watch and see for myself what the fuss is all about.

The "Bill" in question is 80+ New York Times photographer Bill Cunningham. For decades, this Schwinn-riding cultural anthropologist has been obsessively and inventively chronicling fashion trends and high society charity soirées for the Times Style section in his columns "On the Street" and "Evening Hours."

Bill is such an amusing and fascinating man! He is funny, quite shy, but definitely has an eye for fashion. His lifestyle is very simple and far from the fancy world in which he moves. He admits to loving clothes and can be quite obsessive in what he does, but he himself does not care for donning expensive garbs. He is well-known among the high society circles which events he often chronicles, but doesn't give a damn about money and paychecks (more than once did he rip his paycheck). He doesn't get fazed by them younger photographers with their digital SLRs and 200mm lenses huddled in a certain spot (as seen during the fashion week part of the film), clicking at every single model strutting down the runway.

He moves around the city in a bicycle, his 29th (he already had 28 bikes stolen), with an old Nikon dangling from his neck. When it's cold, he has this dark blue jacket over his signature street-sweeper-blue-shirt. And when it rains, a black DIY raincoat is always on hand. His room at the Carnegie Hall is full of file cabinets of his work. I really really admire his humble, simple lifestyle and his being down-to-earth. I guess you don't see a lot of that in New York, especially if they're as famous and respected as one certain chap of the name Bill Cunningham.

This docu is entertaining, very amusing, and at times heartbreaking. He reminds me of James Nachtwey in the sense that he is a loner, dedicated his life to his craft, and didn't have time for romance/starting a family.

I do love documentaries about photographers. Which reminds me, I have yet to finish the documentaries on Henri Cartier-Bresson. Might get to that later, I think I'll re-watch this first.

Coffee

You wake up in the morning and start for the kitchen. One cup of coffee to start my day right, you said. You didn't even wash your face first or drink a glass of water. You finish it standing up, with thoughts filling up your drowsy mind.

You walk about the kitchen slowly, as if every step should be well thought of. Patting the heads of your energetic puppies, your face curls up into a sad smile declaring: Here's to another day of aimless breathing.

You stood up upon feeling dizzy from the rush of blood from your head. You still held your cup and, upon finding it empty, started to make your second dose of caffeine.

You let out a loud, gratifying sigh. As if only one as loud as that could make you believe you're still living. Downing your drink as if it were ice-cold water in the searing heat of summer, you push away things that's been living in your head for too long. You fail. Miserably.

Upon finishing your second cup, your eyes start to well up with tears. You made your way back to your room as soundless as when you went out. Lying down on your unmade bed, you close your eyes, while thoughts swim in your drowsy mind.

Lately

- Finally done with Austen's Emma, after more than a week (more or less) of struggling to finish it.
- Mind is full of family-related issues.
- Work, or lack thereof. I don't know how I can still be so choosy at this point. Or useless. Or worthless. With all the fuss about money and my siblings' schooling, how can I still be here? So freakin' stagnant. I have yet to encounter something to motivate me.
- Allergies. Every single friggin' type of allergies I have.

No pleasant stuff on this part of the intarnets. Sorry.